


Teehee Valley

by KrisseyCrystal (IceCreAMS)



Series: Fluff Bingo [9]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons References, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Lapis wields two water pistols, Peridot is the GM, Sheriffs, Steven is the Medic, cuz i think i'm funny, except it's called Badlands & Bandits, it's about as silly as you expect, it's time to FEEL GOOD after all the canon PAIN u feel me, set somewhere in the 4th season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23286187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceCreAMS/pseuds/KrisseyCrystal
Summary: Peridot isn't paid enough to deal with Lapis and Steven as they play Badlands & Bandits.Correction: she isn't paid at all.
Series: Fluff Bingo [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655521
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29
Collections: Writing Squad Fluff Bingo





	Teehee Valley

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MoominQuartz (IceCreAMS)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceCreAMS/gifts).



Some of the buildings are barely standing under the midday desert sun. Worn paint peels off of rotting wood. Planks that cross over one another, boarding up broken windows, sag beneath the sweltering heat. There’s a tattered flag that marks what was once a saloon but now hangs listless, unmoving under the lack of wind.

As their horses trod into the stuffy carcass of Duston, Sheriffs Lapis and Stephanos have the uncomfortable feeling of being watched.

Lapis dismounts first.

“Well,” she mutters as she casts a blue eye over the decrepit ghost town. “I guess that means we’re here. Now what?”

“Now…” Stephanos hops down from his horse and gives her nose a big, appreciative kiss. (The horse’s nose, he is sure to clarify, though he adds that he wouldn’t mind giving Lapis’ nose a big, appreciative kiss if it was feeling left out. Lapis snickers and says something to the effect of, if her nose was feeling neglected, he would be the first to know.) “I think Sheriff Perrington said the Rhombus Bandits were supposed to be here, right?”

“Oh, right.” Lapis draws her twin water pistols. “So, what, do we roll initiative?”

Stephanos shrugs and brings their entire game to a halt.

* * *

“To clarify,” Peridot points out with a lifted finger. “As a reminder for those who have a bad habit of not paying attention to the rules: you do not have to roll initiative until the fight actually begins.”

“Okay,” Lapis says. She shrugs. “So I shoot a guy. _Now_ do we roll initiative?”

Steven has to smush a hand to his mouth to stifle his giggle at the strained look crossing Peridot’s face. 

“You just want to fight.”

“Basically, yeah.”

“Ugh, fine _._ ” Peridot rolls her eyes and her lifted hand. “Yeah, okay. You see a pair of eyes peeking at you through a gap in one of the boarded-up windows, so you fire a shot. Roll initiative.”

* * *

“All right!” Stephanos cheers as the water hits true. They hear a surprised squawk from the squatter behind the boarded windows of the local grocery. “Go Lapis!” 

“Eh. I’m just that good.”

Soon after, other bandits attack and either reveal their hiding places to the sharp-eyed Sheriff Lapis, or crawl out into plain view for her to shoot at head-on. Lapis makes quick and suspiciously well-rolled work of the bandits as Stephanos covers her back. Under the medic’s care, Lapis is continually protected and buffed.

Then the leader of the Rhombus Bandits finally steps into the center of Duston’s road and Stephanos gasps.

Lapis squares her shoulders.

(“This is gonna be just like one of those old Western quick-draws, isn’t it!”

“That is the point of the final round in all _Badlands & Bandits _combat sequences, yes.”)

“Well, well, well…” Yellow, the leader of the Rhombus Bandits rumbles from deep in his broad chest. “So you’ve come all this way from tiny ol’ Barnopolis to fight little ol’ me? Why, Sheriffs, I’m flattered.”

* * *

Lapis howls and clutches at her stomach. Steven laughs, too, but really it’s far more at the fact that Lapis finds it so funny. She has to lean against his shoulder to keep upright. His legs, sticking into the air behind him, kick idly and giddily.

“What? What the heck is _that_?” Lapis gasps.

“What is what?” Peridot’s face flushes into deep cedar green.

“That accent!”

“It’s a _character voice,_ you clod!”

That sets Lapis off all over again, making her laugh harder than Steven has ever heard before.

It reminds him how much he likes _Badlands & Bandits. _

* * *

“Yeah, we, uh--” Stephanos looks to Lapis for a little help, but she’s still wiping tears out from under her eyes. “--we came all this way because of what you’ve done to poor Sir Perrington in Barnopolis! How could you steal all of that man’s wealth and livelihood?”

“You Sheriffs just won’t understand. You never do…why, when I was once a noble Sheriff, I--” 

Lapis stuffles her snickers with a snort. She lifts her water pistol. “Yeah, whatever. Can’t we just get this over with?”

Yellow gave a long, drawn-out groan. “You never let me finish my evil villain monologues! Fine! Whatever! Draw your weapon. On the count of ten, we fire!”

Seven beats later and Lapis is the victor, much to the disgruntled game master’s dismay. 

* * *

“Steven, don’t encourage her!” Peridot squawks at the boy’s enthusiastic cheers and high-fives. “Lapis totally cheated!” 

“Nuh-uh!” Steven pouts. “Lapis cleared that dexterity check fair and square!”

“Yeah, her dexterity check… _to cheat!_ ”

“It’s not cheating if the rules say I can.”

“You’ve been rolling abnormally high all game long, anyway. It’s possible you may have done something to alter your die unfairly.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“A likely story!” Peridot ruffles her own hair with a grimace. “Ugh, you always do this! You never pay attention to the rules! You never care about the story and the ghost towns I spend hours crafting! You’re just here because Steven is, too!”

“Guys! Guys!” Steven pushes himself up off of his tummy and onto his knees, hands extended between the two. “Can’t we at least finish this session? I mean, we’re so close to the end of the quest! We’ve defeated Yellow, so now we just gotta return Sir Perrington’s gold and we’ll be done for the night!” He swallows back the urge to add, _And then you never have to play it with me again,_ but he’s sure the sentiment is already felt.

A peculiar look crosses Lapis’ face. After a moment’s pause, she leans back on one hand. “Or do we?”

“What?” Steven and Peridot ask.

“Do we have to return the gold to Sir Perrington?” 

“What do you mean? It’s his.”

“Yeah, but.” Lapis rolls her free hand loosely. “He’s sitting all cozy in that uppity mansion of his in Barnopolis, right? And he only _got_ all of his riches off the backs of his workers in the mines. So who really deserves all his gold?”

Steven’s eyes widen. “You mean you want to redistribute it to his miners?”

“Why not?”

Peridot looks to Steven and frets at the genuine thought that creases his round, young face. “Steven! You’re not really considering giving Sir Perrington’s money to other people, right? You guys are Sheriffs!”

“Yeah,” Lapis shrugs. “But we need a new antagonist for the next part of the story, right? And how interesting of a twist would it be if it was the man who was once our, uh, ‘humble patron’?”

Peridot freezes with her mouth open and pointer finger extended. After a moment, she closes her mouth and sits back. “I see your point.”

Steven’s eyes shine like stars. “So we can do it? We can really Robin Hood his money away?”

“And you’re both going to be in on this?” Peridot says by way of answer. “Neither Lapis or Stephanos have any reservations about going back on their word to Sir Perrington? They did promise on their stations as Sheriffs to safely return his gold, if you remember. I would think if anything, Stephanos and his medic vows would keep him from being dishonest.”

Lapis and Steven share a look. 

Lapis smiles first. “Yeah. We’re in this thing together,” she says and Steven cheers with both fists raised.

**Author's Note:**

> listen...i'm a sucker for shenanigans. when canon's goin to painful places, i gotta liven things up. just gotta.
> 
> and yes, the title does come from a lvl in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga. the score is what i listened to as i wrote this. gotta channel the fun y'kno
> 
> SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD WHO GAVE ME THE "PARTNERS IN CRIME" PROMPT. it was honestly a godsend. ur a godsend. ilu.
> 
> if u like this and want more SU shenanigans to cope, hmu. [my fluff bingo card](https://krisseycrystal.tumblr.com/post/613419404736266240/rated-g-fandom-steven-universe-prompt) still has some free spaces and i'm always happy to serve


End file.
